Words from Valarie Kaur… 

It turns out it is extremely difficult to draw close to someone you find absolutely abhorrent. How do we listen to someone when their beliefs are disgusting? Or enraging? Or terrifying?… An invisible wall forms between us and them, a chasm that seems impossible to cross. We don’t even know why we should try to cross it… In these moments, we can choose to remember that the goal of listening is not to feel empathy for our opponents, or validate their ideas, or even change their mind in the moment. Our goal is to understand them… 

When listening gets hard, I focus on taking the next breath. I pay attention to sensations in my body: heat, clenching, and constriction. I feel the ground beneath my feet. Am I safe? If so, I stay and slow my breath again, quiet my mind, and release the pressure that pushes me to defend my position. I try to wonder about this person’s story and the possible wound in them. I think of an earnest question and try to stay curious long enough to be changed by what I hear. Maybe, just maybe, my opponent will begin to wonder about me in return, ask me questions, and listen to my story. Maybe their views will start to break apart and new horizons will open in the process… Then again, maybe not. It doesn’t matter as long as the primary goal of listening is to deepen my own understanding. Listening does not grant the other side legitimacy. It grants them humanity—and preserves our own. 

A recent sermon, inspired by these words from Valarie Kaur…

During my years as a college chaplain, I always attended national Interfaith college chaplain conferences. Each February, a diverse group would meet, and Interfaith work was always a primary focus. We would explore how we could create and encourage an environment where people could be in community across faith differences. One year, Valarie Kaur was one of our primary speakers. Kaur is a renowned Sikh activist, filmmaker, and civil rights lawyer, and this particular conference was on the eve of her new book, See No Stranger, being published. The book was a call to Revolutionary Love. Kaur was a young adult in 2001, who felt called to action after the murder of Sikhs in the post 9/11 violence against anyone perceived to be Muslim. Kaur took this time to dig more deeply into her own faith, and look for a way to move forward amidst great division and hate.  

Instead of seeing a stranger in people who seemed so very different from herself, she wrote these words – You are a part of me I do not yet know. 

Those are not easy words in today’s world. Hate, violent rhetoric and actions, rampant misinformation, and the demonization of others, is all around us. It’s hard to believe we live in a world where meteorologists are getting death threats and FEMA employees, whose entire job is about helping people in dire need, are dealing with threats of violence.  

Now, I am not standing here today saying that I have the answers about how to heal such deep divisions, and create a world of unity and respect. Valarie Kaur is one of the people, especially from her religious perspective, who has some profound insights about how we can work towards a better world – but this is lifelong work. And there are no easy answers.  

What we can do is use our spiritual foundation to guide us in how we are present in such a world. 

And we can’t control how others respond – we are only responsible for how we act, and how we respond. 

Let’s hear again the one sentence Kaur wrote with her focus on Revolutionary Love – You are a part of me I do not yet know.  

That’s actually not an easy message for us to hear. If there is someone with whom we don’t agree – perhaps vehemently about vitally important issues of life and death – our natural response is to think “We are nothing alike!” It’s natural to demean the other, make fun of them, denigrate them – in essence, refuse to see their own humanity. 

Now I am not stating there is not evil in the world, and that we must do all we can to combat that. But that’s a different sermon series. 

Today, our focus is on how we listen as we disagree, especially in interpersonal relationships. 

And seeing the humanity in the other is the beginning of how we can do that. 

You are a part of me I do not yet know. 

Pioneering psychotherapist Carl Jung wrote about the concept of a “shadow side.” Everyone has a shadow – not just a literal one. It is the darker side of the consciousness that people normally don’t want to acknowledge or accept. It contains the more negative aspects of who we are, but it is part of who we are – and ignoring or denying them only gives the shadow more control over us. Ignoring a shadow side can also be highly problematic for a society – which is an issue the United States has had since its inception – ignoring the sins of enslavement, racism, the genocide of indigenous people. Ignoring or denying the shadow only gives it power. 

You are a part of me I do not yet know. 

We first recognize the humanity of the other, and we then truly listen and hear their story. There is a saying, “Hear the biography, not the ideology.” As we have been exploring deep listening this month, we know it’s important to listen to where other people are coming from – their context and situation in life – because it helps form who they are and how they connect with the world.  

How many times have we better understood someone once we know more of their story? 

Valarie Kaur offers these words….Deep listening is an act of surrender. We risk being changed by what we hear….Empathy is cognitive and emotional—to inhabit another person’s view of the world is to feel the world with them. But I also know that it’s okay if I don’t feel very much for them at all. I just need to feel safe enough to stay curious. The most critical part of listening is asking what is at stake for the other person. I try to understand what matters to them, not what I think matters. 

Listening as we disagree begins with acknowledging the humanity in the other, striving to understand more about their own biography, and lastly – finding points of commonalities.  

With all the years I have engaged in interfaith work, we never began by talking about our differences – different beliefs, rituals, actions. We always began by finding common ground. It might be interpersonal things – similarities with family or pop culture, or favorite books or music or food. And then we can look for larger commonalities about more important topics – beliefs, rituals, perspectives. 

Commonalities enable us to see the humanity in the other more easily. 

Commonalities enable us to connect with another. And when we do that – it changes us as well. Anyone who has truly done Interfaith work knows that they are changed – in small and sometimes big ways – listening as we disagree means that we are transformed as well. 

You are a part of me I do not yet know. 

It is my hope, and prayer, that in the coming months our society can move towards a time of healing. UU values honor the unique perspective of each person – we know we will ALWAYS disagree with others, and this is not a bad thing. It is how we deal with disagreement that does the damage.  

The process of healing the larger whole begins with two people at a time. We aren’t responsible for the outcome – we aren’t responsible for how others respond – but it is up to us how we engage with our own spirits and follow our own cherished beliefs. Deep listening as we disagree speaks to the best of our selves – our whole selves. We open ourselves to whatever change may come, as we open ourselves to deep listening. 

You are a part of me I do not yet know.